I'm going through a strange phase at the moment. It's hard to describe why. I'm almost concurrently experiencing: disappointment, excitement, frustration, anticipation, dread, hope, helplessness, happiness, low moods and high moods.
There's a lot of stuff going on at the moment - and I don't just mean the ongoing saga of our new bathroom (latest: wall unit and shower screen need fitting, taps need changing, floor needs repairing - almost 4 weeks since it began and with no guarantee that it'll happen at the moment)...
This year (i.e. the next 12 months) I'm going to be doing new things and beginning to give up old ones. The new ones I'm fairly positive about, if all works out as planned. I really need a lot of things to happen in specific, tight timelines to provide the best outcome. The old ones I'm reluctant to give up as it will be the end of an era, I will no longer be in a position to shape things I once cared passionately about and I'm concerned that those taking my place will end up as disillusioned, frustrated and resentful as I do at the moment. But sometimes in life, it's important to take stock and focus on the big picture and what is actually important.
I've also found it quite sad over the last few months to reflect on friendships etc and the face that things all move on. Putting together the guest list for our wedding was very difficult - not necessarily in terms of who we invite and who we don't, but actually acknowledging that some people who would have been first on the list a few years ago are not even on the "reserve" list (we didn't actually have one of these, what I mean is that they were a definite no, not even a maybe). There are also people on the list who we haven't seen for a while, but I have a suspicion that if we were doing this a few years down the line they would fit the criteria above. I have been invited (and attended) so many weddings over the last 15 years, it would be unrealistic to return the favour to each, but I still find it sad that things move on and people I was once close to may soon be the people who I just swap Christmas cards with, or not even that.
People change, circumstances change, lifestyles change. A friend of mine once said before embarking on a NCT class "I am about to make friends that I never thought I wanted or needed" (or something along those lines) - the people we are friends with in life are those that we share common experiences with, or who's company we make an effort to be in and/or enjoy despite the lack of common experiences. It's just sometimes difficult, and sad, to let go.
And it can be difficult to let go in this age of social networking, where it's a pretty significant step to "de-friend" someone, where one slip-up could mean people you had forgotten you were in contact with can know things that you've not mentioned to some of your closest friends. For example, a girl I work with (and who is also a facebook friend) had a message on her page from another friend congratulating her on her second pregnancy - she was mortified when she realised as she hadn't formally told work at this point, but now everyone knew...
So I'm keeping a low profile at the moment - partially because I'm a coward, partially because I don't want to upset people and partially to protect me. This way those people whose weddings I went to but who are not invited to ours, or those who may be hurt/offended that they've not been invited, will not be bombarded of photos of the event (I'm not scared to tell them they're not invited but at the same time don't feel it's appropriate to contact them specifically to let them know they're not) and it can all pass relatively quietly in web terms. I also don't want a fuss at work, or any assumptions to be made which may damage any promotion prospects in the near future...
