Changes...

I'm going through a strange phase at the moment. It's hard to describe why. I'm almost concurrently experiencing: disappointment, excitement, frustration, anticipation, dread, hope, helplessness, happiness, low moods and high moods.

There's a lot of stuff going on at the moment - and I don't just mean the ongoing saga of our new bathroom (latest: wall unit and shower screen need fitting, taps need changing, floor needs repairing - almost 4 weeks since it began and with no guarantee that it'll happen at the moment)...

This year (i.e. the next 12 months) I'm going to be doing new things and beginning to give up old ones. The new ones I'm fairly positive about, if all works out as planned. I really need a lot of things to happen in specific, tight timelines to provide the best outcome. The old ones I'm reluctant to give up as it will be the end of an era, I will no longer be in a position to shape things I once cared passionately about and I'm concerned that those taking my place will end up as disillusioned, frustrated and resentful as I do at the moment. But sometimes in life, it's important to take stock and focus on the big picture and what is actually important.

I've also found it quite sad over the last few months to reflect on friendships etc and the face that things all move on. Putting together the guest list for our wedding was very difficult - not necessarily in terms of who we invite and who we don't, but actually acknowledging that some people who would have been first on the list a few years ago are not even on the "reserve" list (we didn't actually have one of these, what I mean is that they were a definite no, not even a maybe). There are also people on the list who we haven't seen for a while, but I have a suspicion that if we were doing this a few years down the line they would fit the criteria above. I have been invited (and attended) so many weddings over the last 15 years, it would be unrealistic to return the favour to each, but I still find it sad that things move on and people I was once close to may soon be the people who I just swap Christmas cards with, or not even that.

People change, circumstances change, lifestyles change. A friend of mine once said before embarking on a NCT class "I am about to make friends that I never thought I wanted or needed" (or something along those lines) - the people we are friends with in life are those that we share common experiences with, or who's company we make an effort to be in and/or enjoy despite the lack of common experiences. It's just sometimes difficult, and sad, to let go.

And it can be difficult to let go in this age of social networking, where it's a pretty significant step to "de-friend" someone, where one slip-up could mean people you had forgotten you were in contact with can know things that you've not mentioned to some of your closest friends. For example, a girl I work with (and who is also a facebook friend) had a message on her page from another friend congratulating her on her second pregnancy - she was mortified when she realised as she hadn't formally told work at this point, but now everyone knew...

So I'm keeping a low profile at the moment - partially because I'm a coward, partially because I don't want to upset people and partially to protect me. This way those people whose weddings I went to but who are not invited to ours, or those who may be hurt/offended that they've not been invited, will not be bombarded of photos of the event (I'm not scared to tell them they're not invited but at the same time don't feel it's appropriate to contact them specifically to let them know they're not) and it can all pass relatively quietly in web terms. I also don't want a fuss at work, or any assumptions to be made which may damage any promotion prospects in the near future...

My working life

This just about sums it up:

sickness and...

I’ve never had an operation or a general anaesthetic, so the last couple of days have been a series of new experiences. I had to go into hospital for exploratory surgery to investigate a number of symptoms, including chronic back pain when walking, they were going to remove various cysts which could be causing the problem and anything else they found while they were in there...
I was a little stressed about this because:
- I don’t like needles
- I don’t like hospitals
- I don’t like pain
The system here is that you turn up at a specific time (either first thing in the morning or around lunch time) and they give you a time slot for your operation, so although you turn up at 730am, you may not be in surgery until 12 noon, which is quite a while, especially if you’re stressed out about the whole thing.
I also have diabetes, there are not many advantages of this (apart from free prescriptions and eye tests) but when I mentioned this, they bumped me up the queue from 12 noon to 1030am – result!
So, you get changed into an hospital gown, put on your dressing gown and slippers (I had to buy some especially, slippers are for old people…) and then WALK up to theatre – I don’t know whose idea that was, it’s like making your own way up the gallows steps… Interestingly they also give you your pillow to take with you into surgery – presumably to minimise infection somehow, or give you something to hold to stop you biting your nails right down.
You seem to be asked the same questions many times – firstly at the pre-med 2 weeks earlier, then on arriving at the hospital, then on arrival at the pre-theatre room, then in the anaesthetic room. I wouldn’t mind but they still got my next of kin’s name wrong… But to be fair, and in the interests of minimising human error, this can only be a good thing.
So, I arrived at the pre-theatre room, where they had Jeremy Kyle on the TV and another woman in there who seemed a little too chirpy for her own good. Then they moved me into the anaesthetic room, where they took more measurements (and I managed to break the blood pressure machine), put a needle in my hand (me: “I don’t like needles so I’ll just look over here if you don’t mind”, anaesthetist: “no me neither, don’t mind sticking them in other people though. Hmm, you don’t have very good veins do you?”) They gave me a dose of something and asked me how I felt. The last thing I remember saying is that I felt like I’d just had 4 glasses of wine….

Next thing I know I was waking up in a room with one indignant thought in my head – I can’t believe I’ve just wasted the last 40 minutes asleep dreaming about work! I thought there should have been plenty more material for dreaming after being bombarded by Jeremy just before I went in, or even the crappy day-time TV adverts, but no.
The next 5 hours was mainly full of sleep, they gave me oxygen because I wasn’t breathing properly, which was lovely and I just drifted in and out. Surgeons, the anaesthetist and nurses came in and out to check up on me. Then made me eat something and take tablets to make sure my blood sugar was under control, but I’ve never had less of an appetite... They finally let me go home when I’d been to the toilet – major achievement. However, the morning after I was sorry I’d left as I felt like nothing on earth – the painkillers have now kicked in, but I feel as if my insides have been cut up!

I (obviously) don’t know what went on in the theatre, but the anaesthetist told me they’d dosed me up with morphine and asked if I remembered anything in there, which I felt was a bit ominous… But what I do know is that the surgeon told me they’d found nothing, no cyst (the one they’d found on the scan was 5cm diameter), nothing that could be causing my back pain. While I’m pleased that they’ve found nothing wrong, I’m a little frustrated that I’m now in pain for no reason and still have no cause for my back pain, so this may be only the first of many such trips to the operating theatre…. but at least I have the slippers for it now.

Social class

I have many things to say about social class. But more of that another time.
I have encountered this conversation a number of times, which makes me a little annoyed:

There's lots I could say to this, but I think I'm going to leave it hanging for a while...

Quakers

I've been thinking about the Quakers for a while. I don't know much about them, but am fascinated by their silent meetings and their equality-based outlook on the world.
I stumbled across some information on the quakers this morning and found even more stuff about them that I can get along with, e.g.:

• the light of God is in every single person
• everyone can have a direct, personal relationship with God without involving a priest or minister
• all human beings are equal and equally worthy of respect
• all human beings contain goodness and truth
• Quakers do not accept value judgments based on race or gender
• Quakers welcome diversity
• they don't believe in sacraments (either as realities or symbols) or formal liturgies or ceremonies and also refuse to take oaths.
• since believers should have a direct relationship with God, no one (priests, for example) and nothing (like sacraments) should come in between.
• Quakers have always treated men and women as equals, and were pioneers in the movement for female equality.
• Quakers feel that the quality and depth of feeling between two people is the most important part of a loving relationship, not their gender or sexual orientation.

I'm not so sure about some of the other bits (not celebrating Christmas & Easter, not putting great importance on theology, just being quiet and waiting, etc.) but the Quakers seem to be streets ahead of many Christian denominations in terms of inclusivity, freedom, responsibility and rejection of potentially unnecessary hierarchies and (perceived) outdated/meaningless traditions.

I see some areas of the emerging church challenging the views of the established church on some of these issues (inclusivity, gender equality, seeking and meeting with God in action now, rather than "bringing God to the people"), whilst maintaining others (sacraments, ordained full-time leaders). But it's interesting how this approach can be seen as radical (and to some, heretical) when the Quakers have been doing this for some time...

Surprises

I loved this. For an organised, slightly anally retentive person, I love surpises, randomness and chaos in little bits. Revels for example - you never know what flavour you'll get. I used to like "top deck" cadbury's chocolate in Australia because it was a little like the block version of revels. In my quest for fair trade/eco/ethical clothes, I've ordered loads of the surprise goody bags from people tree, mainly because it's a bargain, but also because it's a surprise and a bit exciting.

However, I'm also starting to realise that my feelings for surprises only goes so far - as anyone who tries to plan a surprise event/trip for me will testify. I'd like to say that this because time is so precious to me that I like to make the most of everyday and have a plan to do just this. But I think it's probably the control freak in me coming out again...

Titlifcation

I've just come across this article on the beeb.
Hoorah!
I've been "Ms" since I was 16 (i.e. old enough to have a strop about it) and some peoples' attitude towards it drives me bonkers, for example:
a - I was stood behind someone in Argos who was asked for her details for a warranty for some product she was buying "Is it Miss or Mrs?" she was asked. "It's Dr" she replied. Girl on the till looked confused and said "I still need to know if it's Miss or Mrs".
b- I went to visit a customer and checked in at reception. "Is it Miss or Mrs?" she asked. "It's neither, it's Ms" I said. "Well, you can't be, we don't have that on the system." she said. "In that case, put me down as Mr" I replied, getting a little bit shirty. "But you're not a Mr" came the reply. Me - now with my heckles well and truly pointing skywards: "Well I'm not a Miss or a Mrs either, so take your pick!" We compromised on "no title"...
c- I still get annoyed each time I receive my npower/virgin media bill because their computer says no to Ms.

Why is this so hard for people to understand? Why do people think they have a right to know your marital status if you're female? It's just another means of treating women as second class citizens, as if their value is dependent on if they belong to a man - Mrs John Smith, my arse.

I remember two of my English teachers at school were "Ms" - one introduced herself by saying "My name is Ms (name withheld to protect the feminist), but I AM married."
I don't feel the need to do this, if I tell anyone I'm Ms and they look me up and down and say "but are you married or not", my usual reply is "None of your ****** business."

This is also linked to the argument over whether or not women should change their names when they get married, which I think I've expressed my views about before...

I actually believe that Ms should be the default, and you could opt out to be a Miss or a Mrs if you really wanted. I have friends who are Mrs or Miss, which is fine if that's what they want to be, but not if that's the label society is imposing upon them.

I shall be Ms until the day I die, regardless of whether I'm married, divorced, single, widowed or have a lesbian life partner.
Until I'm professor/lord/your highness, that is.